History
by Zach Fox of Darkness
Summary: Before Zach was an author, he was pathetic. This is one of the stories of him crapping out.
1. Episode 1: The Great Woozilian

Episode 1: The "Great Woozilian"

It was the first of April, the flowers were blossoming, wildlife was coming out, an Zach was lying on his lazy butt doing nothing. This was just like every other day, but the air seemed different, like the calm before a summer storm. On one wall there was a picture of a family reunion, with everyone there: Zach, Leon, Kin, Yukita, and Kate.  
Jeff: So basically what we are expereancing here is great summer weather. Not a cloud in the sky for another two weeks. And now we go back to Rob with the local news.  
Rob: Thank you, Jeff. Now we will be coming to the commercials shortly, but on our news today for later there is the elusive robber "Woozilian" on the loose in this world, and some say he is being accompanied by a large,  
talking pineapple. More on this after these brief commercials.  
Zach, or "Woozilian" as he was known as on the news, grunted and turned off the news. He was getting bored of all this boring sitting around so he was going to go out.  
Zach: Hey Pineapple, I'm going universe hopping to steal some stuff. going to move the house we're in too.  
This is in a time before Zach became the half-ssed writer. This is when he was a half-ssed criminal, with slight magical powers, unlike the huge ones he has now.  
Pineapple: Sometimes I wish I actually was a pineapple, then I wouldn't have to hear you complain.  
Despite this strange statement, Pineapple actually is a pineapple. She merely wishes to be inanimate. In actuality,  
Pineapple was once a beautiful woman who's name was forgotten. Now she hopes one day that Zach will help break her spell. Rumor has it they were once engaged.  
Zach: I heard of a new universe to go to anyways, filled to the brim with gold. The land of Tales of Symphonia.  
And using some of his powers, he transported the house to the land of TOS. He then sluggishly rose to his feet, and hopped out the door. He was only a few miles away from the house when he saw a group of young children to rob.  
He snuck into the bushes, then pounced! This group was the newly formed group of Lloyd, Genis and Collete.  
Zach: Give me all your money or pay the price!  
At this point Zach triumphantly drew his sword.  
Also at this point Lloyd drew his swords, Genis drew his ball thing, and Collete drew her spiked hula-hoops.  
Zach: What kind of sick, demented children go around carrying weapons?  
Lloyd: The kind of child that will hit you.  
Zach: Do you even go to school?  
Collete falls down on Lloyd, tripping them both and they roll into a ditch.  
Zach: All right, shorty, gimme your money.  
Genis: FIREBALL DAMMIT!  
Zach: Oh, seet, lord.  
A tremendous ball of heat swept through the grass, burning every blade until it went up to Zach, charring the skin of his right arm.  
Zach: Shit.  
Genis: FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL!  
Zach, realising that this kid was creepy, ran like a sissy until he got a good shot at the kid with his bow.  
Genis: MY FOOT! THAT MEANIE GOT MY FOOT!  
Zach quickly and angrily gags Genis, and ties up Collete and Lloyd who are too retarded to get up.  
Zach: That kid is l-o-u-d. Alright, gimmie all your money.  
Genis preformed an astounding feat. He chewed thround the gag, burst through his ropes with a silent spell, and in a voice lower than a thirty year old man's said Genis: Meteor Rain.  
For everyone who has played this game and is going "wtf how?" these are merely characters that have beaten the game a few times and used the "Carry Over Skills" whatchamajig. Zach, knowing better than to wait for the apocolypse, burst off to his home with nothing but a burned arm, 100 gold, and a fear of small children.  
Lloyd: Way to go Genis, but because I'm the main character I get the credit for this fight even though I was obviously making out with Collete. I mean 'fell in a ditch' doesn't just mean that she's a clutz. She's a clutz for a reason.  
With that, Lloyd and Collete made a disturbing wink in unison. Meanwhile, back in Zach's house, he is now devoted to get stronger, since a bunch of stupid kids beat him up. Currently he is doing marine push-ups, more commonly known as clap pushups.  
Zach: 0. 0. 0. 0. Dang! These are hard. 0. 0. 0. 0. 1. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. I give up.  
Pineapple: I can help train you. In our teens we won a world martial arts contest together, and I didn't get out of shape. But I must warn you, it will take hours of hard training testing your abilities. First, we shall spar.  
Zach: Not today, I need to rest.  
Pineapple, who used a minor spell to make herself the shape of a teenaged girl, made an incredibly strong right jab to his face, knocking him a good twenty feet backwards.  
Pineapple: C'mon Zach, back in the day you could take that punch without even blinking.  
Zach was now panting incredibly hard.  
Zach: I just remembered one of our ways to train! Basically...whispers.  
Pineapple: Okay, but you are in for a beating.  
And thus it begun. Their old form of getting Zach back in shape. Pineapple would gather together all of her energy,  
and in a crazed frenzy punch him as hard as she could as many times as she could. It was called, "The Pain of Progress"  
After about twenty hours straight of bone-shattering punches Pineapple plopped down on to the ground, with no energy left. Zach, however, was almost back in shape. In another four weeks he'd be in top shape. In fact, the four weeks are only to heal his shattered bones.  
Next time on History,  
Zach faces the kids in a rematch,  
Pineapple's curser reveals himself,  
and even more plot unfolds on Episode 2: Revenge. 


	2. Episode 2: Revenge

Episode 2: Revenge

Two weeks after our last episode, our newly beaten Zach is ready or a reamatch. The question is, was Pineapple's training enough? Currently, Zach is out on the town searching for the children, when he saw something else.  
Zach: Hot momma! Who is that beauty? Whoa! There are two!  
The beauty was, as you might expect, Sheena. And the other one next to her was, of course, Raine. To the side of them,  
which he convienantly couldn't see was Genis, Kratos, Collete, and Lloyd. Unfortunatly for Zach, they spotted him.  
Genis: Sis! That's the guy who tried to rob us!  
Lloyd: Huh? I don't remember being robbed.  
Genis: You were in a ditch making out with Collete.  
Lloyd: That doesn't specify anything.  
Collete: Whoops! I seemed to have fallen directly on Lloyd again!  
Lloyd: Oh no!  
Kratos: Get a room.  
Raine: ...Indeed.  
Sheena: Let's kill these !itches.  
Kratos: Affirmative.  
Zach: Hello ladies.  
Genis: Hello.  
Zach: OHMYGODITSTHATCREEPYKID.  
Kratos: Pwntime lol.  
Kratos drew his sword, ran up to Zach, and made a furious combo of jabs, slices, and trips. Zach barely had time to draw his sword.  
Zach: Look over there! It's the Pie Master!  
Kratos turned around abruptly, his eyes gleaming, only to recieve a slice through his back, knocking him unconcious.  
Kratos: That's not... the.. pie... man.  
Sheena: It's time to duel.  
Sheena: Blue eyes white dragon, I summon you.  
Zach: Oly hit.  
Sheena hold up a card, and a tremendous glow appears. Suddenly, a giant blue dragon appeared in front of Zach, its teeth gleaming. It roared fiercely at him. Zach, using some of his spirit energy, charged up his special punch.  
Zach: Cheesy one-liner!  
His fist glowed blue as he carried through with the strike, destroying the Blue Eyes White Dragon.  
Sheena: ...Karibo?  
With a poof, a little brown furry blob appeared, but it was so scared it ran away.  
Zach: Mind crush!  
Sheena: ... All you did was yell 'Mind Crush.' What was it supposed to do?  
Genis: Don't worry breasts I'll save you. FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL!  
In a short time, Zach was already running for his life, again. This time he had a plan.  
Zach: Rashield!  
Using all of his copywrite energy, he created an electric shield that repelled the fireballs back at Genis.  
Genis: No worrys, I'll just destroy them with more fireballs. FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL.  
Strangely enough his plan worked.  
Kratos: Heal pls.  
Raine: Resurection!  
Kratos: Liek omg I r betr. Tme 4 revng.  
Raine: Strength Increase! Speed Increase! Defense Increase! Mana Increase!  
Kratos, now on his feet, practically exploded with muscles. First his shirt blew off. Then, the bottom part of is pants blew off, making it so that he was wearing shorts.  
Kratos: Devl Blisd!  
With a quick swing of his sword, a beam of pure energy cut through stores, shops, and candy machines. When it got up to Zach, he tried to jump out of the way, but he didn't quite make it, the end result being that he lost an arm.  
Zach: Please, let me live. All I did was try to take advantage of young children.  
Raine: Oh, okay. In this universe that's not even breaking any laws. Want a heal.  
Zach: Wha-? Oh, thank you.  
And so Raine healed Zach, and after hours and hours of long boring talking, they formed an alliance.  
Genis: So, whenever we buy pizza, I go in 20, Zach goes in 30, Kratos goes in 10, and the love birds go in 40.  
Zach: Deal.  
Kratos: Piza 4tw.  
Zach: So guys, would you like to help me take advantage of small children today?  
Raine: As the group leader, I say sure.  
And so Zach and the TOS gang go out into the forest to take advantage of small children. The first child is a pink-haired little girl.  
Kratos: Pwntime lol.  
As Kratos drew his sword, the little girl drew a gigantic axe.  
Zach: Oly hit!  
Presea: Must. Kill. Must. Kill. Must. Kill.  
She took a swing with her giant axe that everyone dodged, but it cut down twenty trees in just one cut.  
Zach: So is every child in the universe insanely powerful.  
Genis: I'm insanely powerful?  
Genis' eyes immediatly go into adoration mode. Now realising the danger of the situation Genis stated.  
Genis: Hot chick in leather with an axe. I want subscriptions.  
Another swing almost took his head off. Luckily for them, the superhero of all the worlds was in the forest. With a spectacular jump from a tree, the king of kings himself revealed himself, REGAL.  
Regal: Ka. Me. Ha. Me. HA!  
A beam of energy exploded from his handcuffed fists, knocking Presea into the far off ocean. In a flash, Regal was gone.  
Sheena: So. Dreamy.  
Raine: So. Beautiful.  
And even way off in the distance.  
Presea: Must. Sex.  
Men: I could do that, I just don't want to.  
After a few more walks through the forest, they found an old witches hut. A sign on the door told them it was the house of despair. Inside, they found a shrine with the words, 'Presea 4 Ever' written in blood on it.  
Zach: This is getting a little creepy.  
From further inside the house, they heard a loud, shrill cackling. Written on a piece of paper they saw the words:  
Words: This is the house of Nightingale R. B.  
In a poof, a woman dressed in a elegant black dress appeared.  
Nightingale: I am a famous witch that your girlfriend knows quite well. Isn't that right? Or is she still a pineapple?  
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Next time, on History,  
What will come of the adventureres who are trapped inside the witch Nightingale's house?  
Who will rise and defeat her, if anyone?  
And who, will actually watch,

EPISODE 3: HOUSE OF MANY BIRDS 


	3. Episode 3: House of Many Birds

EPISODE 3: THE HOUSE OF MANY BIRDS

Nightingale: I know that killing you is not very nice or legal, but when someone illegally enters your home anything is nice and "legal"  
Zach: This cannot be good. Be on your toes guys, she somehow managed to turn the world's greatest fighter into a vegetable.  
Genis: A pineapple is a fruit.  
Zach: So is your mom.  
Kratos: lol pwned.  
While Zach was dissing Genis, Nightingale was casting a spell. First, she was chanting words.  
Nightingale: Eskinisha aloinina muciho sonititas.  
She started a swerved pattern of movement. It was slow, but when you look at it your eyes hurt. By waving her hands in a strange way she made an illusion of her being in three places at once. Her arm movements wer so fluent that they actually almost looked like natural arm movements. The many blurs of her arms trapped Collete in a hypnotic state, and she actually fell down, face first. A strange, soothing voice suddenly cooed lightly across the walls, but it was not anyone in the halls.  
???: Her belt is the key. On the belt there is a bag, and in that bag there is the charm to her many spells. This,  
however is an illusion, not a spell. Just don't wath her arms.  
Now, they could hear where the voice was coming from. It seemed to come out of Nightingale, but not from her, from someone, or something, in her. As if an old memory from her childhood that brightened up her day called out, something ... forgotten.  
Lloyd: Who are you? What are you? Where are you?  
???: I am Kaitlyn, the binding voice of light. I was a human like you, until a witch used a curse to turn me into her.  
I am the true form of Nightingale.  
Nightingale, fed up with this crap, bellowed at the top of her shrill voice.  
Nightingale: NOT TRUE. I AM THE MOST POWERFUL WITCH IN ALL THE LAND AND THIS IS MERELY MY WEAKNESS WHO I HAVE TRAPPED!  
Zach: Kate... that sounds familiar. Huh.  
Kratos: hey nub w3 gt probs.  
They indeed had problems. Nightingale summoned a flock of Nightingales to swarm around her.  
Nightingale: The sweet singing of a Nightingale is both dreamy, and destructive. Sing, my beauties.  
The flock of great birds did indeed sing a sweet tune, but the tune then started to mesh itself, then mesh more, and more, until you could actually see the thickness of the sound waves.  
Kratos: wach ot.  
Sheena made a card shield around them to protect everyone, but Zach was just out of range of the shield.  
Sheena: Watch out!  
It was too late. Zach did jump, but his arm was still hit by the mesh. It felt, cooling, and kind. It felt like a nice summer day when you get to swim in a cool pool. Gentle, soft, sweet, lull, drifting around his arm. He could smell fresh berries and delectable fruits, mangos, tangerines, oranges, peaches, a nice ripe bowl of graps and plums, apples,  
lemons, limes, and even the rare tangello. All of these delectable smells, and some of them you could even taste. The juicy grapes, the suculent plums, practically splashing into his mouth. This was not even a direct hit from the bird's song, it only hit his arm, and Zach's mind drifted to a direct hit, and paradise. A tropical beach, an umprella to keep his eyes away from the sun, and a nice, cool breeze. Everything peaceful, no thoughts of war, or anger, or even training. The relaxing feeling of true peace awakened in Zach, making him wish for that island, that direct hit of paradise. He was so deeply in love with these scents he didn't notice his friends rushing to help him. He didn't care,  
he was even starting to smell roses, and beautiful flowers. He longed for those beautiful fruits, a growing green garden, a truly peaceful paradise. He could even see his old friends from his family reunion: Leon, Kin.  
Raine: ZACH! You have to get up!  
Raine's eyes were filled with tears, burning hot dripping off of her face. She was heavily shaking him with her hands grappling at his throat trying, and succeding, to get him out of his dream state.  
Zach: The sweet songs of the nightingale gently enclose you into a dream. Absolute paradise attacks you from all sides.  
The wonders of life are everywhere, and nowhere at the same time.  
His voice was lighter, and different. Apparently, Kate was talking through his body to warn the others.  
Zach: He will be asleep for a few hours, don't get yourselves hit.  
There was a faint plop as Zach's unconcsious head hit the ground.  
Raine: Kratos, immediate desparation plan, kay?  
Kratos: Lez kill dees beeshes. Super Sexy Awesome strength up on Collete!  
Raine: Super Sexy Awesome speed up on Lloyd.  
Kratos and Raine: SUPER SEXY AWESOME FUSION BETWEEN COLLETE AND LLOYD!  
With a blinding flash of light, there stood a seven foot tall blonde man with spiked armor, a blade made of pure fire energy and a blade made of pure ice energy. His eyes were blood red, and he wanted to kill. He was Lloyette! Lloyette spoke in a deep voice which cut through the birds wave of song, Zach remaining in a trance.  
Lloyette: The fun's just beginning.  
He threw his swords which encased Nightingale in a cage made of a combine of lava and frost. The frava, if touched by bare skin, first freezes your skin solid, then melts away all of the ice, giving you a dangerous case of frostbite.  
It can easily be broken by bare skin, but that's only if you could survive the pain.  
All of the friends in a winter cabin, while a peaceful storm goes on outside. Leon begins talking in a peaceful way.  
Kin strats chuckling to himself about the past.  
Leon: We should go here every year Yuyu.  
Replying in a soft voice, Yuyu answered,  
Yuyu: Yes, Za... sai... Yuk.  
Her beautiful voice was drowned out by the angry cries of Nightingale, Raine, and Sheena. She had launched a much more painful cruse at them, which Kratos had flipped over. Their arms were burning, and they had a severe case of internal bleeding where they were hit.  
Kaitlyn: Ayyyyyyyooooo ayi oooee. Ayyaaaayiyinuuuuuuuuuuu.  
The resounding voice from nowhere brought them, comfort, and healed their wounds. Nightingale, enclosing her arms in silk, smashed through the wall of frava. At the same time both she and Raine talked,  
Raine: Reverse Curse!  
Nightingale: Sing!  
Raine's reversing and Nightingale's song combined into an evil song which told you of your sadest moments, and brought pain to you. If this hit you, you wouldn't be in a dream state, you would be in full reality. One of the meshes was dodged, but another one hit Zach in the back. Little did he realise it, he was now talking what he saw, not just seeing it.  
Zach: We were a great group of theives that was disbanded one by one. The first to go was Leon, great guy, no problems with him. We were scaling the house of the great magician Syoku. When we arrived in his main chambers he stood awaiting us. We dodged his black magic and his many traps, but one particularly bad spell hit Leon square in the chest.  
You could see the fear and the pain in his soul. First, he clutched at his heart, then, at his head. He fell to his knees yelling a howl of pain. He got knocked out, but in one minute he was back up, with nothing in his eyes. Nothing.  
Where there should be a soul, there was a void. Where there should be feelings, there was only one. Hatred. He flipped onto his feet and charged at us, slashing wildly, at his absolute best performance I had ever seen him do. We barely got to fumble out of the window, he was mean. He still lives there, Syoku Manor, crawling at the feet of his master.  
The next to go was Kate. We were on our way back to get Leon back from Syoku, much more trained than last time. We easily got inside, only to find that a very important guest was in the house, Nightingale. We could handle Syoku but we weren't prepared for Nightingale. She hit Kate with the song of the birds, and after about ten minutes she dissolved into nothingness. Nightingale was much more powerful, like she had absorbed her energy. Now, I know that to be true. Kin was the next unlucky fellow. I don't even know if he's still alive. We were stealing diamonds and gold from Kianu the Great Trapper, when I stupidly set off a trap that made Kin fall into a vast expanse of nothingness.  
Sure, we got the jewels, but was it worth it? Yuyu and I decided to go off to a great magi to give us powers, but she was currently losing a great battle which we could not help her with. When we tried to help, she screamed that all of her powers were to be inside of us. We got her powers, but the shock from it sent us dimensions away, and it gave me amnesia and turned Yuyu into a pineapple. What a happy ending, now I do believe that I need to rescue some of my friends, Nightingale?  
Nightingale: What?  
Zach: I remember that when we were giving you our first visit, I warned you to either give up Kate, or die, and you haven't given up Kate. Now Genis!  
Genis, had been right next to Zach the entire time, charging up a blast of incredible porportions. He threw it directly into Nightingale, but Zach got in the way.  
Genis: Zach!  
Zach's body, caving from the severe pressure and damage, burst through the final layers of amnesia. He remembered,  
Magi: If you continue on like this you will die. Too many of my apprentices have been killed because they thought they could take a punch to the face. Once you realise what that really is, you'll know how to activate my powers, leave now you jack-ass little punk.  
Zach: I believe that THIS is a real punch to the face!  
Red with anger, Zach charged at Nightingale, and with a large splattering noise punched her in the jaw, shattering it,  
along with her skull, spinal cord, and ribcage.  
Zach was now screaming at the top of his voice,  
Zach: IS THIS ENOUGH FOR YOU BITCH? HAVE ANOTHER HELPING!  
He punched her in the stomach, rupturing her skin, and sending a shock wave out that was so powerful, it shattered the wall of the house into a million shards of wood.  
Zach: Screw the belt, Kate, I like my way. Hey Birdie, here's a friendly piece of advise, don't piss ... me .  
Zach never got to finish his threat, because he had passed out from using too much of his vital life energy. Will he even survive this to enjoy his victory?

Where is Kate? What has become of the others? Find out next on Episode 4: Too many questions, only one answer 


End file.
